Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf