Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
You Might Also Like
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.