If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Mouse
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?