Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
That’s easy for you to say
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!