As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
You Might Also Like
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I’m pretty like a car crash.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.