[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
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is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.