is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
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The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Breaking news:
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Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”![]()
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me