is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
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Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Twitter remains undefeated
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“How’s your day going?”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?