one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
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Always the camel, never the toe.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s