No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.