I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!