My what?
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.