I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Succinctly put.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.