(Flintstones theme song)
they’re a teenage mutant family
they’re about to save new york city
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Me: and you didnt empty it
[murder roles reverse]
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Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.