[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.