[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
[murder roles reverse]

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(Flintstones theme song)
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city


Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope


my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing


Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!


When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?


I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae


I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)


17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq


My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.