@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

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@CornOnTheGoblin

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

@LuvPug

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

@notfunnyelle

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

@SonOfCha

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

@JaymayAllDay

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

@shopkins776

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

@meganamram

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

@NatBaimel

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

@amishschool

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.