My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
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It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.