LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
#JohnTravolta
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?