sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Choose your fighter
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.