I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
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me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
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.
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
There’s never enough good news
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you