Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.