[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.