Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback