The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name



“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”


Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.


Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.


If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.


CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no


[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.


“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback