The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*skinny dips into black hole
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.