Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
@BuckyIsotope The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
You Might Also Like
@WheelTod “Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
@DothTheDoth Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
@amishschool Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
@lawyerthoughts If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
@cheers27402373 I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
@panmidwest CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
@TweetPotato314 [Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
@lovemydogduck My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
@STRIKINGxVIKING “Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave