I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
#Caturday
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
i’ve found my new favorite subculture