If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.