Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
You Might Also Like
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.