My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
⛄️
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*