INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.