My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
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Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume