This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I will never stop laughing at this
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Beware…..
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Tuesday
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.