MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.