If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.