If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
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Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Sunday
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.