[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza