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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
When news reporters do sports stories
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.