***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
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My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
So glad we cleared that up
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!