ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”