I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
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Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
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At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
SCARY COSTUME
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If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.