My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
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You don鈥檛 scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king鈥檚 food taster had food allergies
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can鈥檛 have an online Bachelor鈥檚 Degree in Nursing
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn鈥檛 even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I have so many questions.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
This can never not be funny 馃槶馃槶
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?