The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
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Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱