I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
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Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
yes… yes…
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.