[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
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3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!