I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”