restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
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*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
This kid is going places
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
i baked you a cake
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.