Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Knock Knock
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm