Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
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It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.