[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
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“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I don’t hate children, just yours.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light