Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

I think about this a lot

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.