Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body