Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
💀💀💀💀
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
that de-escalated quickly
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?