I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
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I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.