me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.