If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
You Might Also Like
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?