My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.