Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.